You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
