I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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