Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
50% drunk capacity currently
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
