there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
