The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
