I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
