Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
