The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
