Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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