did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
