so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
