Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
