I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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