Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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