The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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