he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
