My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
