If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
