I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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