I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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