Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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