So drunk its hurt
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
