yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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