we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
