nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
