East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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