how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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