Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
