It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
