just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
