i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
