Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
