Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
