I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
