i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
