i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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