hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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