Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
