Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His hands were made for my vagina.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
