Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
