You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
