If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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