I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Even my vagina gasped.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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