weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
