there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
