i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
