you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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