The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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