My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
