I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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