Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize