My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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