i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
