things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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