A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
