someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
