My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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