this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
