i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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