90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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