I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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