Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
