He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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