Operation Purity has been aborted
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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