matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
