Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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