At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
